“But if you buy the ugliest sweater and it’s funny, I think that’s fine. You still look hot in it. You don’t wear it to look ugly. You wear it because you’re so hot an ugly sweater can’t make you look bad, and that’s a great look.”—
“Twizzlers are one of the best-looking candies out there. Their enticing twisty redness is appealing even in those big tub containers they sell them in, and what food ever looks good in a tub? But why isn’t it more widely acknowledged that they suck? It’s easy to describe how: there isn’t enough candy flavor in them. Chewing a Twizzler is like chewing wax in the shape of candy. Or the cartilage from inside your ear, if your ear was six inches long and shaped like a fusilli. When you eat the first one in the package, you think, That was ALMOST good; maybe the next one will give me the strawberry satisfaction I was hoping for. So you eat the next one and again, it reminds you of what a good candy would taste like, but it’s like you’re hearing music coming from another room that’s not quite loud enough. And so on until the package is done and you think, What was that about? Now I want some candy. Twizzlers look like candy but do not taste like candy. We must stop Twizzlers. We must expose the truth. Now look at my hand. There are two Twizzlers. One is red and one is blue. Bite into the red Twizzler and continue to live in your stupid dream of a phony pretend life. Bite into the blue one and admit the truth that Twizzlers suck, and be free.”—
Up until now I’ve always been pretty sure that I liked Twizzlers. Now I am not sure.